I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
