I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
