remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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