my phone needs a breathalizer
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
