just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Found the puke drawer
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
