I think I won the penis lottery.
I skipped work to stalk him.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Randomize
