Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
