Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
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