so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
