I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
