She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
