Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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