I feel like abortions should bother me more
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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