There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
