4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
