dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
