i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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