my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Randomize
