i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
