He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
