So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
How does it feel to date your dad?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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