what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
