worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
