You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
