btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
