SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
