it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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