You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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