Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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