you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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