Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
