She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
