Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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