I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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