I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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