I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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