wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
