Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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