sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I just want to make out with him forever
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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