I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
