I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize