Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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