Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He is an equal opportunity slut.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
