I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
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