Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
