i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
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