Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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