Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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