just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
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