Cold hands, warm shart.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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