all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
