Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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