I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
