i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
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