I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
