Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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