i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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